I belong to Glasgow, I belted out as I came in at some ungodly hour.

Toots was less than impressed and if looks could kill, I'd be dead on the spot.

Fast forward 24 hours and Blondie was demanding dinner out as a payback for waking her up from her beauty sleep.

I picked a place where I might get a wee hair of the dog.

Birdtree and Bellfish is named after our dear green place. It's the new bar and restaurant brought to you from the people who run the Lorne Hotel.

I tested the old grey matter by trying to book online.

Low and behold when we turned up it had worked as they had a record of our booking.

We were given the food menu, but had to ask for a drinks menu. There was quite a cosy atmosphere but it did feel a bit like you were sitting in someone's front room.

The menu was a homage to all things Glasgow - perhaps good and bad.

We had the offer of starters, mains and efters - tourists and people from Embra would lap up this culinary banter.

There seemed to be a few diners with longing looks on their faces as there seemed to be a bit of a wait.

And I have to admit we did have to holler out to a server a few times to get some service.

We ordered up a bottle of rose and some tap water while looking through the menu.

It sounded like tasty comforting fair and when I saw there was Phenomenal Irn-Bru fish and chips I knew I'd have to give it a go. I asked for garden peas rather than mushy but was told they couldn't do that - go figure?

Toots had her eye on the prawns in a whisky cream sauce and a tattie scone on the side.

For her main she was going posh and opted for the venison with the black pudding mash with Buckfast infused blackberries - it sounded awfy deer to me.

We eventually got our bottle of plonk. And it was certainly that as the screw top bottle was plonked on the table. I thought the young lad was off to find a chiller, but no that was it.

I guessed we just had to pour it ourselves as for the water there must have been a drought in the city as despite asking several times it seemed the well was dry.

The Moll's starter arrived and it looked a bit pelly wally, and also tasted bland.

"There not much to write home about with the whisky sauce, all a bit tasteless," piped up Toots. And the tattie scone was a soggy lump a the bottom of the bowl.

It all seemed to be going a bit Pete Tong.

Diners puddings were late, drinks were missing. And although there seemed to be a lot of staff, no one knew what they were supposed to be doing and it was starting to resemble a scene from Fawlty Towers.

At one point we had three members of staff around a table just to watch one chap have a flaming Sambuca.

One of the staff then turned to us and asked if they could get us anything else.

Toots' face was fizzing and I said "yes our mains might be an idea".

Our dinners eventually arrived. The fish and chips was decidedly average and I couldn't really taste the Irn Bru.

Toots did enjoy her venison complete with Buckie Berries, but the mountain of mash was a bit off putting.

We decided to pass on dessert, we were there that long we wanted to get out of the joint before they started serving breakfast.

As with the Glasgow coat of arms, the fish that didn't swim, the bell that didn't ring, Birdtree and Bellfish is the restaurant that didn't impress.

Disappointed we bowed out and headed home to Tec Towers.

Birdtree and Bellfish

923 Sauchiehall Street


G3 7TQ

0141 330 1555


Whisky prawns £5.56

Bread and olive oil £2


Irn Bru battered fish and chips £7.96

Beer battered onions rings £2

Buckie Venison £10.36


Solstice pinot rose £16.50

Total £44.38

Food 2

Service 1

Atmosphere 3