AFTER learning of the tragic news of Caroline Flack’s passing, we had a day of everyone tweeting memes about being kind and not tearing others down, and I was hopeful people might be able to see the impact of hate, shame and marginalisation.

Hours later, some of the same people were shouting at each other online about her death itself. Really missing the point.

We don’t know what happened with Caroline but I’m pretty sure that if she had acted criminally in the heat of the moment, it would be for the courts to decide, not a load of people who have never met her. Besides, if I’d had years of the press condemning me for how I looked, who I dated and how old I was – on top of them printing lies and following my family – I think I’d be wrapping a lamp around someone’s head eventually. This is me being flippant, I’m not excusing violence, please don’t @ me.

We’ve already hounded Meghan out of the Country, Diana to an early grave and Danny Cipriani recently tried to buy a gun to end himself after the press were threatening him with splashing his shames all over The Sun. Love Island stars Sophie Gradon and Mike Thalassitis also committed suicide when they became bullied online. We are not built for this level of criticism. Shame has been inextricably linked to depression, addiction, violence and suicide.

The press regulations need to be changed, but that’s irrelevant if we don’t change individually. School kids are killing themselves regularly after online comments, and we can’t say to kids “be kinder” when they see grown adults being vile.

People are agreeing with this online and then two minutes later go on to abuse someone – it’s like we’re not engaging with our impact. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree everyone should be nicer – excuse me a minute, I just need to tell this prick that his hat isn’t ethically sourced.

Adding hate to hate = hate squared. Even having a go at Piers Morgan or Katie Hopkins is only drawing attention to them, and giving them more to feed off. And it’s actually quite hack lol.

Hate and anger are energy streams that people are tapping into to get attention, to inflate their ego or belong to a side – it’s almost meaningless what the actual side is often. People just love to be involved. But NO ONE IS LISTENING TO ANYONE SHOUTING. Sorry – no one is listening to anyone shouting.

Most former members of fundamentalist groups or cults said they joined these organisations not because of the ideology, but more for a sense of belonging which was so painfully absent from their lives. So alienating people is not going to help them come over to our side. If the adage is true that “where attention goes, energy flows”, we have to back away from hate.

We are so quick to condemn and separate, we’re not connecting to our actions, we are operating from our egos and not even trying to empathise with others. We need to think before we send a comment: why are we doing this, what is it going to achieve, how is the person going to feel, how would we feel and does the world need to know my opinion on this? Or perhaps a better question is how can I change how I feel in a positive way, rather than a negative one?

Some of it is people desperate for attention and that in itself becomes addictive. There’s a “personality” who in December tweeted about Caroline Flack — something innocuous about how Caroline was out of order. Now, this person knows nothing of the case, she just wanted to get involved, to get attention, to bring it back to what she thinks; her her her. Then after Caroline’s death, this tweeter said it’s so sad that the media has done this. No realisation that she was also part of this issue. She has opinions on so many people she’s never met yet gets outraged when people throw their thoughts on her. What goes around comes around, so add rainbows into the world, not missiles.

How can a beautiful Canadian actress who has done nothing controversial in her life make one seethe with rage? What is going on in their life that they can hate a stranger? Spend your time and money on fixing yourself, because it’s madness to think you can make everyone in the world be who you want them to be, you can only change yourself.

If you want to feel important and belong, get a football team, join a choir, tweet someone you like. Let’s celebrate the things we love – and that’s not hippy horsesh**, it’s proven you feel better celebrating rather than condemning. And no one’s ever killed themselves from a compliment.

Lou Sanders – Say Hello To Your New Step-Mummy will be at the stand on Sunday, with doors at 5.30pm. For more details, visit