AS of me writing this, we have been in lockdown for exactly 50 days.

I have been comparing my lockdown experience to other people’s in a game I’ve called ‘Lockdown Bingo’.

There have been a few recurring things I’ve noticed other people doing since this started.

The first, classic lockdown activity that seemed to pop up was baking.

I remember standing behind a guy in the queue for the shop who had a massive list written down with all the accoutrements he would need for making banana bread.

Sweat was pouring off the guy, the stress of getting the items required seemed to already be getting to him. ‘Aye, I’ve got the list, hen,’ he said down the phone to his partner.

His hand was shaking as he pored over his list which was already looking like a piece of ancient parchment from how many times he’d folded and unfolded it, reading it over and over again.

He said cheerio down the phone then phoned his pal. ‘Aye, mate. banana bread. I’ve heard it’s good. Aw have you made it? Was it hard? Aw naw.’ I hope it turned out alright. God love him.

Me and my girlfriend have yet to partake in artisanal baking, but we did get a wee box of Tom & Jerry-themed cake mix which turned out no bad.

There’s been the Zoom calls. I’ve so far managed to avoid any work-related video calls by simply not opening my emails.

We did do a massive one at the weekend there for my pal’s birthday which was excellent.

The whole day before we did it, I had the pre night out buzz. Constantly checking the time to see if it was time to get ready, checking the fridge for bevvy, ironing my clothes etc.

I even treated myself to putting on a pair of trousers. I thought the call would satiate my desire to return to the pub, it made a valiant effort, but it’s just made me miss the pub and my pals even more.

We did a quiz which we, of course, cheated on given no-one could see my phone if I just kept it out of the camera’s line of sight. We still managed to only finish fourth out of six teams.

There has been a surge in the numbers of people starting podcasts.

Sales of microphones have skyrocketed to the extent they’re sold out almost everywhere. This is the one activity I swore I wouldn’t do at the start of lockdown.

The world simply does not need another vehicle for me to spill my puerile thoughts out, unfiltered.

This column is more than enough for that. But, last week I caved and started one with my pals where we discuss aliens. Truly the content no-one asked for and that no-one deserves.

At the start of lockdown, I would laugh to myself at the curtain twitchers I saw online, claiming they were going to report their neighbours for sneaking out for a second walk. Then I caught myself sitting at the window, cup of tea in hand, with my beady eyes trained on my neighbours.

I swear I saw a guy go by with his dug in the morning, then go by again later that night, this time with his outfit changed and a cap on, but with the same dug.

I like to imagine his dug bullied him into taking him out for another walk. ‘Just put a hat oan, big man. Naebody will know it’s you.’

I’ve managed to avoid giving myself a haircut so far, instead allowing my hair to grow. I have really thick hair which doesn’t seem to grow in length but rather in volume. It doesn’t get longer, it gets bigger. It’s like a beehive on top of my head at the minute.

The dug is in the same boat as me, he resembles a wee mop just now.

His definitely needs cut more than mine but I’ll wait until the groomers reopen because if I do it myself, I’ll cut him to look like a prize-winning poodle for a laugh and he’ll hate me forever.

I’ve noticed some people roping their poor, unwilling family members into elaborately choreographed dances.

I like to think I would never stoop to this but maybe, just maybe, if I was in lockdown with my granda for example, for another fifty days there would be a point where I’d go, ‘Right, auld yin – up. We’re dancing the day. POINT YOUR TOES! JUMP HIGHER!’ then forcing him to pirouette faster and faster, smoke coming off him, screaming at him like a strict Russian ballet teacher while pounding dance music plays in the background.

I’m away to the shops to get the stuff to make banana bread.