HAVING worked for years in Glasgow city centre I have never had the need to do much online shopping, but as a result of home-working, I now love to browse the internet.

“The Dental Water Flosser will give you healthier gums in just 14 days,” an ad read.

“A combination of water pressure and pulsations will clean deep between teeth and gums.

“It’s safe, gentle and perfect for anyone with implants, crowns, bridges and periodontal pockets.”

Now I had no clue what periodontal pockets were but reckoned with all dental appointments now cancelled that this was the gadget for me.

A few days later my Amazon parcel arrived, and having studied the demonstration video twice, I was confident operating this gadget would be a doddle.

I filled the machine with water and selected one of the many nozzles and inserted it into the toothbrush-style handle.

Having set the pressure dial, I turned the machine on and bent over the kitchen sink.

However, when I pressed the handle button on, the water jet shot out so fast that it never made it anywhere near my mouth.

“Oh no…”

Water shot up in the air like a baby boy having a pee as I quickly turned it off again.

Water was now pouring down my kitchen window and I surmised that I should only turn it on again when the nozzle was actually in my mouth.

Here I go again – but next minute, argh… I misjudged the timing again and the water shot right up inside my nostril causing me to drop the handle in the sink, spurting water and drenching everything within reach.

Coughing and spluttering I dabbed my dripping face with kitchen roll and composed myself before trying again.

This was not as easy as the demonstration video made it look, because next time I nearly took my right eye out with the water pressure jet.

More dabbing, and I thought it wise to turn the pressure down slightly until I got to grips with the bloody thing.

Third attempt, and all was going well as I leant over the sink whilst water poured out of my mouth.

Until I attempted to water floss behind my front teeth.

Well, the water jet missed my front teeth and shot out of my mouth hitting my kitchen blind, and when I swirled the handle round again, I then soaked my hair and soon had water pouring down my face and off my chin!

“Easy to use my ass!” I moaned to my daughter Jenna.

“Only if you’re wearing a wet suit and safety goggles!”

But since my online shopping had been a success, next day I ordered a PVC greenhouse, and was getting quite excited at the thought of starting yet another new hobby.

Only thing was, when it arrived, I realised I had only ordered the PVC cover and not the frame, so it lay spread out on my kitchen floor like a giant deflated balloon.

“That’s nothing,” Jenna laughed when I called her again and admitted another faux pas.

“Gemma (her friend) ordered a garden shed online for £25.”

£25? I wondered where this was going because I know garden sheds are not cheap.

“Turns out she had ordered a manual on how to build a shed.”

I didn’t feel such an idiot and discovered that many online orders don’t go quite to plan regardless of who is at fault.

“I ordered flowers for my mum’s grave whilst doing my online food shopping, Janice,” a friend told me.

“But, when I unpacked, I found that the store had substituted my mum’s flowers with a bunch of spring onions.”

I couldn’t help laugh as she added: “As much as my mum loved them, I could hardly place a bunch of spring onions on her grave.”

However, the other evening, as I squeezed myself in behind bushes to paint the last part of my garden fence…

“Hi Janice, is that you in there?”

Peering through the branches I replied: “Oh hi, Carol, how are you doing?”

Carol then attempted to converse with me whilst her impatient teenage daughter tugged at her arm.

“We’re heading to Tesco for a garden hose.”

“Oh, I did see some 20ft ones in there,” I replied.

“Ah, but I need a 75ft one,” she said whilst shaking her arm free.

“Because I’ve just gone online and ordered an outdoor pool for this one here.”

Her eyes rolled towards the surly teenager, and before I could say anything…

“We wanted the 12ft pool, but they only had a 10ft one left.”

“Oh right.” I was rather bemused because I happened to know that Carol shares a tiny communal garden.

“But the 10ft one will do fine.”

She smiled as she gestured to the restless teenager.

“After all she’s only 5ft tall, so the 10ft pool should be deep enough.”

“Deep? Deep?” I muttered to myself as I waved them off.

Now there is one online customer who is in for a surprise!