Chris McQueer: From cash, haircuts to lies... it’s challenge time

I’ve been doing a so-called “film challenge” over on Instagram. Every day for 30 days you post about a film you’ve seen that means something to you, one that made you laugh or made your cry etc. 

I’ve got pals doing ones about music, about food, about all sorts of stuff. But, the thing is, these are not challenges. 

A challenge, by its very definition, should be something that is very difficult to do.

Something… challenging. It should at the very least be something you’d rather not do if you get nominated to do it. 

The 5K challenge was a decent attempt at this but was, in my opinion, not good enough.

There was the “Ice Bucket Challenge” a few years ago which was good, challenging, and rightly raised a lot of money for MND charities. I’ve decided to have a go at creating a few alternative challenges of my own. 

The “You Owe Me Money” challenge: If you are nominated by someone to do this then you have to go through your phonebook or friend list on Facebook and find someone you either haven’t spoken to in ages or don’t know very well. You then have to send them a message saying, “You owe me forty quid,” and post their response. 

Try not to be threatening but still be firm with them. Concoct a ridiculous story about how they owe you the cash. Maybe you could insist it’s for the menage. Maybe it’s for the time you gave them a lift. 

People across the world took part in the Ice Bucket Challenge

Just string them along as best as you can. After they’re sufficiently indignant at you for making such an accusation, come clean, explain the challenge was set by some wee guy writing in the paper and suggest they donate the money to charity instead. 

I’m sure it’ll lead to you both reconnecting or perhaps even to a new lifelong friendship. Or maybe they’ll be at your door as soon as lockdown is lifted, asking you what your problem is. It’ll be a good laugh, I’m sure. 

The “Haircut” challenge: This one involves letting your significant other or a member of your family cut your hair. But there’s a twist: they can only use one hand – their weaker hand. Your lockdown haircut, attempted by a novice with no hairdressing experience, isn’t going to end well anyway so why not add another layer of drama to it. 

The ‘Haircut’ challenge unfortunately doesn’t involve a professional barber

Imagine the shavers coming towards you, awkwardly held in someone’s left hand, veering all over the place as the blades chew a path through your hair revealing the scalp beneath. Bonus points if you film this and upload it for us all to laugh at. 

The “I Hate You” challenge: Post this on Facebook. Say, “I’ve been nominated to tag the person I hate the most. That person is,” and then write the name of someone on your friend list. It doesn’t matter if you actually hate them or not, it’s just for a laugh. 

If they reply and ask what the script is, just like in the “You Owe Me Money” challenge, you should create a made up story. “Well,” you could say in response. “I’m surprised you don’t remember what you did to me in Primary 5? I certainly won’t ever forget.” Let them stew for a while. 

The “Drive to Test Your Eyesight” challenge: Not sure if you can see properly? Then round up the family, doesn’t matter if it’s late at night and they’re all in bed, bundle them all into the motor and go for a quick half an hour drive just to see if that helps. 

Perhaps visit a castle. The element of fear caused by the fact you perhaps can’t see and are barrelling down a motorway at 70mph with your family in tow should force your eyes to adjust and clear up your field of vision. 

Some government scientists are actually suggesting this method as an alternative to laser eye surgery, such was its effectiveness in helping Dominic Cummings regain his eyesight (don’t do this).

The “See How Many Lies You Can Get Away With” challenge: This is a good one if you’re, for example, the leader of the country while it is in the grip of devastating pandemic and you’re required to be as transparent as possible about your handling of the situation and also display bare minimum levels of basic human decency and empathy. 

Let’s say, in this situation, you’re a dithering, bumbling, blonde-haired rocket who wants to lie to the general public even more. 

You could address the nation several times a month and just spout made-up nonsense and total lies. Better yet, why not rope in as many of your daft wee pals to do the same and see how much you can get away with?