I’VE just heard of yet another person buying a lockdown puppy.

During this long period of homeworking or furlough, people now have more time than ever to nurture a pet – and this is the perfect time to do it. And I must admit, it is lovely to see so many people who would never normally walk anywhere out with their new pets.

My daughter Jenna bought a lockdown puppy, and after watching numerous videos of him, I couldn’t help but fall in love with the wee ball of black fluff.

“How much?” I screeched down the phone when Jenna told me she had to pay £30 for a video consultation with the vet.

“And did you have to hold the puppy up to the screen for the vet to see him?” This all sounded a bit crazy.

Turns out she did, and then got hit with a £40 prescription.

“You need to do what?” I asked incredulously when my friend Christine called.

“Yes Janice, as you know, I can’t take Ruby (her Dachshund) to the vet, so I need to deal with her anal glands myself.”

Christine then began in detail to explain the day’s task in hand (literally) before I quickly interjected.

“Christine, enough.” To say I was horrified at the very thought of performing such a task was an understatement.

“Not in a million years.”

I couldn’t even lift dog poo and put it in a bag, never mind squeeze a dog’s anal glands.

However, over the years, for the children’s sake, I have endured many pets (or they have endured me) and even bought Jenna a fluffy rabbit. Candy was no bother really, until I decided to save £15 in vets’ fees by cutting Candy’s nails myself.

Tucked tightly under my arm, all went well with the first couple of nails until the nervous bunny decided enough was enough. She shot out from my arm lock and scurried behind the settee. Next minute she chewed through a lamp cable, the bulb exploded and she bolted like lightning out of the room and I swore I would never have another pet.

That was until a few years back, and being on my own, I had the bright idea of buying myself a colourful talking budgie.

After all, whilst working full-time, I reckoned a wee talking budgie would be no bother.

“Hello Mr Anderson,” I greeted the man on the other end of the phone who was selling baby budgies. “I’m calling about budgies you have for sale.”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“My name is Janice Bell and I was hoping to buy a talking budgie.”

“Sorry, Miss Bell,” he explained. “You can’t just buy a talking budgie. You have to teach it to talk.”

“Well, how do I do that?” I asked.

“There are several things you must do. Firstly, you must tame your budgie so that he becomes more responsive to you talking.”

“Tame a budgie?” I queried, as I never thought of a budgie as being ferocious.

“Yes, place his cage near human activity so that he becomes accustomed to humans.”

“Fair enough.”

“You must separate budgies if you have more than one so that they become responsive only to you.”

“I only want one,” I replied.

“Well then, male budgies are more prone to talking than female budgies.”

“That makes a change,” I said, trying to be humorous, but Mr Anderson ignored me.

“When talking to him, you should hold your face close to your budgie and watch for his pupils dilating.”

“Eh?”

“This mean he is listening.”

I now thought Mr Anderson had lost the plot as he continued.

“And always speak enthusiastically to your budgie.”

“Enthus...?”

“Begin with individual words like hello or goodbye.”

I was now unusually silent on the other end of the phone.

“And remember Miss Bell.” He sounded like a former school master.

“You may not be able to understand him at first as he may mumble.”

“You are joking?” I smirked. “How can a budgie mumble?”

Ignoring me again, the talking budgie expert continued: “Remember to give him verbal praise now and then.”

“Verbal praise?”

“Yes, and a mirror in his cage may help.”

“A mirror?”

“You should also leave the television or radio on when you go out so that he can get used to the language and hopefully pick up odd words. Also...”

I wondered what bizarre instruction was coming next.

“For the first few months you must speak to him for at least a couple of hours every day.”

Well, that was enough for me.

“Mr Anderson,” I puffed. “I don’t think I ever spoke to my children for two hours a day, so I certainly won’t be spending two hours speaking to a budgie!”

And my bright idea of owning a talking budgie flew out the window as quickly as it began.

Ps. Remember if, and when you return to work, a pet is for life, not just for lockdown!