Titanic mistake
NICOLA Sturgeon’s abject apology for the exam fiasco has us thinking about other apologies through history. So, with much fanfare, we can now reveal that we’ve discovered in an old trunk a letter from the captain of the Titanic, which survivors of the disaster carried on their person.
“Dreadfully, dreadfully sorry chaps,” reads the letter. “Unfortunately we were out of ice for our evening martinis at the Captain’s Table. And when I spotted that great hunk of the stuff just floating in the ocean, I thought why not steer close enough to chip a little bit off? After all, what could possibly go wrong?”
What could possibly go wrong, indeed. No doubt the very words uttered by Sturgeon when releasing those exam results…
Animal antics
WHEN Gordon Wright’s son was three-years-old he loved visiting Princes Street Gardens to chase pigeons. At the time the family also had a small pond in their back garden, where frogs had taken up residence. Once Gordon caught his son thrashing the surface of the water with a stick. Daddy grabbed it from his hand and said: “You mustn't frighten the poor frogs just like you mustn't frighten pigeons.”
Musing upon this instruction a moment, the Terror of the Animal Kingdom then said: “How about elephants?”
Wayne’s wean
A POSSIBLY apocryphal tale from reader Jim Morrison. He tells us footballer Wayne Rooney is a huge Paul McCartney fan so wanted to name his son after the musician. He quickly came to his senses, alas, meaning Wayne’s household doesn’t include a little lad named Macca Rooney.
Horny bloke
KIDS have returned to the classroom, reminding reader Elaine Turner of the fellow who drove the school bus when she was young. The horn on the bus didn’t work, so he made the ‘beeping’ noises himself.
He’d shout a brisk “beep-beep!” out the window when a car got too close. An amorous “beeeep beeeep” if he spotted an attractive lady. And if someone tried to overtake him?
“Beep, ya bam! Beep!”
Proper Charlie
WE’RE devising movie sequels that truthfully reflect what would happen next. Calum Tennent suggests a spin on a Roald Dahl classic: “Charlie and the Excruciating Dental Visit.”
Fishy tale
WHEN discussing politics Willie Ferguson from Irvine admits he gets tongue tied. Though he knew exactly what he was saying when a colleague started pontificating on fisheries policy.
“You’re talking a load of carp,” groaned Willie.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here