Titanic mistake

NICOLA Sturgeon’s abject apology for the exam fiasco has us thinking about other apologies through history. So, with much fanfare, we can now reveal that we’ve discovered in an old trunk a letter from the captain of the Titanic, which survivors of the disaster carried on their person.

“Dreadfully, dreadfully sorry chaps,” reads the letter. “Unfortunately we were out of ice for our evening martinis at the Captain’s Table. And when I spotted that great hunk of the stuff just floating in the ocean, I thought why not steer close enough to chip a little bit off? After all, what could possibly go wrong?”

What could possibly go wrong, indeed. No doubt the very words uttered by Sturgeon when releasing those exam results…

Animal antics

WHEN Gordon Wright’s son was three-years-old he loved visiting Princes Street Gardens to chase pigeons. At the time the family also had a small pond in their back garden, where frogs had taken up residence. Once Gordon caught his son thrashing the surface of the water with a stick. Daddy grabbed it from his hand and said: “You mustn't frighten the poor frogs just like you mustn't frighten pigeons.”

Musing upon this instruction a moment, the Terror of the Animal Kingdom then said: “How about elephants?”

Wayne’s wean

A POSSIBLY apocryphal tale from reader Jim Morrison. He tells us footballer Wayne Rooney is a huge Paul McCartney fan so wanted to name his son after the musician. He quickly came to his senses, alas, meaning Wayne’s household doesn’t include a little lad named Macca Rooney.

Horny bloke

KIDS have returned to the classroom, reminding reader Elaine Turner of the fellow who drove the school bus when she was young. The horn on the bus didn’t work, so he made the ‘beeping’ noises himself.

He’d shout a brisk “beep-beep!” out the window when a car got too close. An amorous “beeeep beeeep” if he spotted an attractive lady. And if someone tried to overtake him?

“Beep, ya bam! Beep!”

Proper Charlie

WE’RE devising movie sequels that truthfully reflect what would happen next. Calum Tennent suggests a spin on a Roald Dahl classic: “Charlie and the Excruciating Dental Visit.”

Fishy tale

WHEN discussing politics Willie Ferguson from Irvine admits he gets tongue tied. Though he knew exactly what he was saying when a colleague started pontificating on fisheries policy.

“You’re talking a load of carp,” groaned Willie.

Read more: Those were the days