ANSWERING company phones for the last six months has left me frustrated some days trying to communicate with people. I think I speak reasonable clearly but still need to spell out my name over and over.

“Is that Dell?”

“No, it’s Janice Bell. B.E. L. L.” So, it’s easier to put on a different voice and tone now and then to be understood.

However, my daughter Jenna who is living in Spain called after a long, tiresome day spent conversing with her new friend.

You see, she had met up with a lovely English lady called Lisa who has two children, Olivia and Jason, and as Jenna has three children they agreed to have a day together at the swanky hotel pool within their complex.

Bags packed and ready to set off, Jenna lined the kids up military style and began one of her regular lectures.

“Now kids, we are joining the nice lady Lisa with Olivia and Jason, and you might have noticed that they are all very posh.”

The kids wondered what was coming next.

“So, I might sound and act a bit different today, but don’t say anything, just do as you’re told for once and go along with me.” Jenna reckoned that for Lisa to understand her broad Scottish accent, she would need to posh herself up somewhat.

“Afternoon Jenna,” Lisa greeted her new friend by the pool.

“I’ve got us beds together.”

“Oh, thank you so much,” Jenna gushed.

“How are we all today?” Lisa turned to Eilidh, Taylor and Joey who weren’t sure if they had to put on a posh voice too, so just nodded.

But as they excitedly started to strip to dive bomb into the pool, Lisa shouted: “Olivia, Jason. Remember to shower first before the pool.”

Jenna’s glare said it all, and led by Eilidh, the trio headed for their first ever pre-swim shower pretending that this was part of their pool routine.

A short time later.

“Tayyyy….lor. Tayyyy…. lor.” Jenna called in a high-pitched tone.

Apparently, Taylor thought this call was for another Taylor as he didn’t recognise Jenna’s voice.

Eventually catching his attention, she said.

“Out of the pool please Taylor, I need help with some drinks.”

Taylor followed and said nothing as they approached the posh family.

“What are we all having then?” Jenna asked with her best voice on.

“Three tonic waters please Jenna,” Lisa requested.

Quick as a flash Joey butted in.

“Coca-Cola mum.”

“Now, now Joey,” scolded Jenna.

“You know Coca-Cola is bad for your teeth.”

Younger and none the wiser, he replied.

“But you said we could all get faulsers anyway when we were old.”

“Oh my Joey.”

Jenna had hoped that posh Lisa didn’t know what faulsers were.

“They do come out with such nonsense at that age,” she blushed.

According to Jenna, lunch was rather tense too trying to keep up the façade.

“Now Joey, that’s enough.”

Apparently, Joey was on to his third sachet of tomato sauce drenching his chicken nuggets as Lisa’s kids lunched on swordfish and vegetables. Phoning me late, she admitted: “That was hard work trying to be posh all-day mum.”

She sounded exhausted.

“As well as Joey landing me in it, Eilidh barely said a word and I overheard Taylor telling Lisa this was the first day he could remember that I’d gone without swearing!”

“And…” she added.

“Because she’s on her own with the kids I’ve ended up inviting her out for drinks tonight too.”

“Well, when you start a fib Jenna...”

Apparently, the kids were dreading a long evening of watching their language and behaving.

However, as the rose wine flowed, and more alcohol was consumed, Jenna’s façade ebbed away.

“Hod oan Lisa, it’s ma round.”

“Thanks soooooooo much. Hic, hic,” her new friend slurred.

Joey was now deliberately spilling his disgusting tonic water, which was dripping off the end of the table, so Jenna thought she better check to make sure it hadn’t splashed on her new friend’s posh sandals.

But horror of horrors.

When she squinted under the table, she noticed that her posh friend’s sanitary towel had dislodged and was lying at her feet.

Mortified, Jenna shot upright and pondered mentioning the offending article but decided to say nothing and hoped that her posh pal hadn’t noticed.

But she had noticed, because suddenly her giant flat sandaled foot began tapping in all directions trying to capture the offending item without anyone noticing.

“She was half-cut mum and flapped and flapped her bloody big sandal for ages until eventually it stuck and she shuffled her way to the toilet.”

I was rolling about laughing as she added. “Mum, I’ve never been so glad that I’d left Ted [her puppy] at the villa because he would have made a beeline for it.”

And I could imagine Ted running round the pool area with it in his teeth as everyone looked on, and reckoned that posh or not posh, we’re all in the same boat really!