Si Ferry: I thought my Celtic career was over...then all of a sudden I was taking a McDonald's order

I’ve been sitting here writing this column with my crayons wondering whether it’s my personality or intellectual genius that has got me this gig. Throughout my football career, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting players with a bit of both. I consider myself one of the cleverer ones – especially now that they’ve given me this collumn. (I also deliberately spelled that wrong so you can delete that tweet you were just away to bam me up with).

Paul McGowan kids on that he’s not clever and the fact that me and him dogged college every Wednesday while kids at Celtic would also suggest this. Tommy Burns and John Cushley summoned us to their office – Cushley absolutely went through us and told us that if there were any two that needed to go to college it was us as if we didn’t make it in the game it was more than likely we would be working in McDonald’s with the brains we had.

We were looking for Tommy to give a wink or make a joke to lighten the situation but neither came. Instead we were told from the great man if we didn’t buck up our ideas we would be out the door. We both left absolutely bricking it and it was a quiet train back to the digs.

That night I was sitting in my room when my phone went. It was Tommy Burns. My heart sank and I said to Sandy who I shared digs with: “That’s me done, he’s phoning to tell me to pack my bags.”

I picked up the phone to: “Is that McDonald’s? Can I have a large Big Mac meal and 20 chicken nuggets?” I don’t know if he was in stitches at his own patter or the fact that he knew I was absolutely terrified. The next day I told Gowser the story and his response was: “He cannae be that bothered about us no going – I’m dogging it again next week”.

Gowser gets a bad rep and he’ll be the first to admit he’s made some mistakes. But he’s genuinely one of my favourite people in the game and would help you out at the drop of a hat. It’s probably better he doesn’t drop his hat as his hair is on its way out. What people don’t see is all the endless amount of hours of him helping old woman across the road.

He also isn’t as daft as he looks! He could work out the 20% of his wage he had to give his ex-missus within seconds of getting his pay slip. Our 600 quid win bonuses, minus the several fines he’d occurred, meant his wages varied – however working out what was 20% of his bottom line seemed like light work for the Airdrie mastermind. These workings would quickly be screamed down the phone to the poor woman at the CSA.

On the opposite side of the scale, you also get the clever ones or, as they’re usually referred to in the dressing room, the busy b*****ds. Everyone knows Stuart Armstrong is training to be a lawyer. Not only a Tremendous Player, Devilishly Handsome and Clever but he also possesses one of the best barnets in the game. A barnet that his mate Gary Mackay Stevens could only pay £12,000 for.

Charlie Mulgrew tells a story and as he calls it the poshest argument he’s ever heard. Stuart throws a water retention device of ice cold H20 over Gary’s head and filmed it on his phone. Gary’s reaction was to show about as much rage as you could expect from a wee guy from Thurso. In this rage he questioned the temperature of the water and how it would look for his street cred up in Thurso. “FRIGGING delete that Stuart!” was the cry. Something so traumatic would be enough to make you jump in the Clyde. The experience was just as traumatic for Charlie as he had to translate said argument to a bemused striker from Edinburgh.

In my own team we have our captain Scott Brown, the former St Johnstone player. Scott is now a fully qualified financial adviser and our PFA rep. During the coronavirus crisis, Scott was unbelievable in helping the boys and the club in sorting out the furlough payments and making sure everything was done properly. I had to sit with in meetings with management and chairman and I can honestly say I’ve never felt so stupid. If you ever see him, you can tell Scott has a massive brain by the size of his massive head. I would genuinely rather have his head filled with pound coins than win the lottery.

On the other end of the IQ scale, we have Gary Fraser. The former Partick Thistle player is one of life’s funny guys whose payslip has to be sent to his MAs email as he doesnae know how to work the internet. Dressing rooms are filled with both types and is what makes being part of one so enjoyable. I’d like to think I’m somewhere in the FRIGGING middle!