AS if life is not tough enough for a lot of people now, some of us are having to deal with a new terror too.

Saturday night and I shimmied into my bathroom looking forward to a long hot soak. You see, with this lockdown I’ve been walking a lot, which means my wee legs are usually aching.

I filled the bath with salts and soapy bubbles and soon the room was like the Sistine Chapel with all the candles I had lit. I plastered on my Radiant Glow Face Mask and settled into the luxurious bubbles.

Soft music was playing, and I immediately began to relax.

“When I find myself in times of trouble... Let it be. Let it be...” 

My old favourite was playing.

“Mmmmmm... this is lovely.”

After a few soothing moments, I opened one eye slightly to enjoy the flickering candles when something caught my eye, and for a second, I thought I was hallucinating. But no.

“Argh...” 

Without a doubt, the biggest house spider I had ever seen was making its way down the bathroom wall a few feet away.

I froze. It froze.

I wanted to get out of my now not-so-luxurious bath as quickly as I could.

“Let it be. Let it be.”

Grabbing a towel, I darted past the house monster and pulled the door tightly behind me.

“Jean, Jean,” I phoned my sister in a panic, terrified and shaking.

She laughed dismissively and I could tell she thought I was exaggerating about the size of the intruder.

“Conkers are supposed to repel them,” was her idiotic suggestion.

“Oh aye, like I’ve got a bag of conkers handy,” I nipped.

“They hate anything citrusy too,” she added.

“Well I’m all out of lemons and limes,” I sarcastically replied as I realised Jean assumed this was just another small spider.

Candles were still burning in the room of horrors, so quick as a flash I opened the bathroom door, threw water everywhere to douse the flames and ran upstairs. Only then

I realised my Radiant Glow Face Mask had been on much longer than recommended, so when I did finally clean my face with wipes, my glowing face could be seen from the moon!

For the next two days I refused to go into my bathroom and kept the door shut.

“How’s things?” my young neighbour Antony asked a couple of days later.

“Well, not great.” I had been telling everyone I met about my dilemma.

“You see, I’ve got a massive spider in my bathroom.”

And I should have left it at that, but...

“And I haven’t showered for two days.” 

I wondered why I had blurted out such personal information, but I could see he was staring at the sun glistening off my greasy hair as he confirmed my worst 
fears.

“Yeah, we’ve had a couple of the giant beasties in here too.”

That evening, Jean needed to use my bathroom before our walk.

“You can’t go in there...”

“For goodness’ sake.” She shook her head in disbelief.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t been in the bathroom for two days?”

“Well, you didn’t see the size of it,” I pleaded my case.

In desperation, I had made up my own repellent potion with lemon juice I bought and water.

Glasgow Times: I filled the bath with salts and soapy bubbles and soon the room was like the Sistine Chapel with all the candles I had litI filled the bath with salts and soapy bubbles and soon the room was like the Sistine Chapel with all the candles I had lit

“If you’re so brave, you get in there and spray every corner.”

Skoosh Skoosh. Skoosh.

“I’ll spray around your windows.”

“No need,” I added.

“I haven’t opened a window since October last year.”

Some of you may remember I had another unwelcome visitor. A bat!

It flew out from nowhere as I was watching telly and flapped around my living room like a Red Arrow which was terrifying. Since then I have never opened a window.
Skoosh Skoosh. Skoosh.

“Let’s go into the woods and look for conkers’” I suggested, as I was willing to put any old wives’ tale to the test.

An hour into our foraging my daughter called.

“I’m in the woods gathering conkers for the spiders.” 

She thought I had lost the plot too.

“Where are you putting them?”

“Anywhere. Everywhere.” I was desperate.

After our walk, I said: “Right Jean, spray my house again before you go.”

Skoosh Skoosh. Skoosh.

Jean threw conkers behind units and in wardrobes, and I could tell she thought I was being a drama queen.

Later, I turned on an aroma humidifier next to my bed I had borrowed and prayed for no more nightmares.

For the first time in three nights I slept reasonably well. However, early next morning, my phone pinged and on opening the message, I nearly dropped the phone.

“OMG.” It was a picture of a giant spider entombed in a pint glass.

But the funny thing was, it was sitting on top of a conker!

Jean called: “Janice. I’ve been up all night and...”

“Hell mend her,” I thought, and I couldn’t help feeling just a little bit smug that my sister had an unwelcome visitor too!