WHAT advice would you give your 18-year-old self?

Invest heavily in Pfizer? Save your photos from Bebo? Dedicate your adult life to becoming a goalkeeping coach with the ultimate goal of being employed by Scotland in June 2021 and therefore being in a position to very firmly advise David Marshall that staying on your line is very important?

All valid suggestions, but if I encountered the version of me that was legally going to nightclubs for the first time I would say ‘No-one cares that you don’t like Whitney Houston’.

A typical night out at that age would involve The Garage on Sauchiehall Street, where, unless you spent the whole night dancing to The Strokes, Stone Roses and Literally No Women upstairs at G2, you would inevitably hear ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’.

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You don’t have to be American Psycho character Patrick Bateman to appreciate the song’s genius. It’s pure, undeniable joy that you have no choice but to submit to.

Glasgow Times:

Unfortunately, 18-year-old me was a Very Serious Boy who would only listen to Proper Music. I didn’t wanna dance with somebody, or at least I didn’t want to admit it.

It’s still hard to work out what I was trying to achieve.

Maybe I assumed the DJ would eventually think ‘Hundreds of people are having a great time dancing to one of the greatest singles ever recorded. Hang on, something’s not right … That geek over there isn’t dancing! Time for some Joy Division. And not even one everybody knows like Love Will Tear Us Apart’.

I might even have thought a woman would spot me looking aloof and tell her friend ‘See you later. I’m off to speak to the one guy here who isn’t having fun. I bet he’s fun’.

In my hormone-addled teenage brain, I’d somehow convinced myself that being one of the few people on the dancefloor not dancing somehow made me seem interesting and mysterious.

You know who thought it made me seem interesting and mysterious? Me, and literally no-one else.

In 2022, there is a certain type of internet person who would get on well with 18-year-old me.

I’m talking about the guy who sees an article about Kim Kardashian on his Facebook timeline and replies ‘WHO???’.

On the off chance you haven’t noticed that one, you might be familiar with some of his other hits.

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Scrolling to the bottom of an opinion piece in the fashion section and replying ‘How is this news???’. Blessing a tweet from someone followed by 500,000 people with a ‘WHO CARES???’ comment. That last one from his own account, which has 17 followers.

If you genuinely don’t know who Kim Kardashian is, I’m pretty sure they’ve invented ‘engines’ on which you can ‘search’ for an answer. Failing that, you could ask 99.3% of people in the Western world.

It’s not enough for these guys to have no interest in Kim Kardashian. Everyone has to know that they’re not interested.

Several people outed themselves as this particular type shortly before Christmas, when a story was reported with the headline, ‘Comedian Fern Brady named as Scotland’s most influential Twitter user’.

Anyone who read the article would have realised the list was based on the level of engagement her tweets received as opposed to how famous she is, or whether she has as many Twitter followers as Frankie Boyle, Janey Godley or whoever says things you agree with about your favourite political party. That didn’t stop numerous people jumping in two-footed.

The last time this many VLs were angrily typing ‘Who’, Jodie Whittaker had just been confirmed as the first female Doctor.

In response, Brady tweeted “Interesting that this nothing article has rankled so many Scottish men today”.

It’s not the fault of an acclaimed stand-up who frequently appears on TV that you’re unfamiliar with her, and shouting ‘I don’t know about this popular thing’ only reflects badly on one person.

On social media, ‘WHO???’ roughly translates as ‘Lots of people know who this is, but I think my decision to advertise my ignorance rather than taking two seconds to google it will reflect positively on me’, and ‘WHO CARES???’ means ‘I don’t care, and that’s all that matters’.

It’s a common symptom of Main Character Syndrome, an affliction that leads people on the internet to believe they’re Jim Carrey in their own personal Truman Show. Another symptom is sharing quotes about your supposed ‘haters’ on an Instagram story which expires with a total of 23 views.

There are multitudes who seem to think the internet should be tailored to suit their precise tastes. While the algorithm does an unnervingly decent job of it, there are times when we’re going to be exposed to something that isn’t up our street.

Some things just aren’t meant for you, and that’s fine.

If you genuinely believe anyone enjoying something popular is impressed by how unimpressed you are, I’ve got a teenage version of this columnist to introduce you to. He’s the guy having less fun than everyone else in the room.

‘EXCLUSIVE: 53-year-old man leaves raging comment under article about Billie Eilish’.