There are many things you can criticise TikTok for.

Failing to sufficiently clamp down on dangerous, high-profile misogynists. A 22-year-old Louis Theroux rap making up 41% of the sounds you’ve heard in 2022. Shrinking attention spans to the size of a document entitled ‘Liz Truss as Prime Minister: Pros’. 

It’s not all bad, though. In June 2021, London-based student Finlay Christie posted a video on the platform that deservedly went viral, in which he spoofed a certain strand of British television ad.

In an exceptionally mawkish voice, he said: “Here’s one for the dreamers, the coffee-creamers. The taxi drivers and exam-revisers. For the good times, the bad times, the don’t-tell-dad times”. 

He then leaned into the ‘together we’ll get through this… together’ schtick of so many lockdown-era commercials, saying: “For all the zeroes and NHS heroes, Britain - here’s one for you… That’s why we’re giving 1% off all mattress orders over a million pounds. Come on Britain, LET’S GET YOU INTO BED!”

Even if you’ve not heard of Christie and never seen the video, you can hear that voice in your head, can’t you?

@finlaycomedy If I see one more ad like this #uk #comedy #fyp #viral #ukfunny ♬ original sound - Finlay Christie

A friend of mine is among the calmest people you’ll ever meet. Nothing ruffles his feathers. 

I’ve only seen him let rip once. Red cheeks, saliva flying, the lot. What could be so infuriating, so triggering, so downright offensive that it made him angrier than a GB News viewer being forced to listen to Meghan Markle’s new podcast?

A bottle of Innocent smoothie, obviously. 

As a serious man, I like nothing more than coming home from a hard day’s work, opening the fridge and cracking open a cold one. Specifically, a cold one with a little knitted hat on the cap, a smiley face on the front and a mango and passion fruit confection inside it that contains more sugar than a similar-sized serving of Coca-Cola. 

And yet, there’s something that undermines this otherwise awe-inspiring display of machismo. Ever read the side of one of these things? 

They’re all twee, cutesy ‘down me in one or savour my taste, but don’t get me all over your face!’ quirkiness. One genuine example reads: “We promise that we’ll never use concentrates, preservatives, stabilisers, or any weird stuff in our drinks. And we promise to brush our teeth twice a day.”

It’s symptomatic of the infantilising approach demonstrated in so many adverts, whether they be for building societies, supermarkets or Crown Paints. Don’t get me started on the Crown Paints one. 

​You might say ‘mate, we’re in a cost-of-living crisis, you’re not going to be able to afford to heat yourself in two months and Liz Truss is in charge. Aren’t there more important things to be worried about than harmless messages on smoothie bottles?’, to which I would respond ‘yes, but they really annoy me’. 

My other response would be to point out that Innocent are over 90% owned by Coca-Cola and had a reported turnover of £423.4m in 2020, and so rather than being your quirky pal they are in fact just another company wanting your money.

That’s fine, but I’d have more respect if they dropped the kooky chat on bottles and just said ‘buy Innocent smoothies because they taste good’. Or, as my friend put it, “I don’t want my drink to tell me how to f***ing drink it. I just want to drink it.”

I came to empathise with him when I embarked upon a brief (and regrettable) phase of drinking BrewDog’s Punk IPA a few years ago. Where Innocent’s chat was twee, BrewDog’s was ‘edgy’. I was drinking a grapefruit, pineapple and lychee beverage with the slogan “ride toward anarchy and caramel craziness”, just like my dad and his dad before him.

The quickest way to tell if something is truly punk is to ask if it is unironically using the word ‘punk’ as a marketing tool. It’s like your work colleague who says they’re ‘a bit mad’ because one time in 2014 they ate chips and cheese outside The Garage without a fork.

There are, of course, few things more punk than being the recipient of an open letter from over 100 former employees criticising your business practices. Who can forget when Joey Ramone took the stage at CBGB’s in 1977 and announced “in the hard and fast environment of high growth, I have all too often neglected many important people elements of our business. Additionally, some PR mistakes that I have made in our past have also had a detrimental impact on culture. Hey, ho, let’s go!”?

These companies are not your friend. Innocent, BrewDog, Crown Paints and the rest might try to foster a relationship with you, but even the most ‘oopsy daisy, what are we like smiley-face emoji’ brand is targeting your wallet with as much cynicism as any other capitalist venture.

We dreamers and coffee creamers have enough to worry about without being patronised at every turn. I mean, we’re now just six weeks away from a John Lewis advert in which a sombre cover of Destiny’s Child’s Bills, Bills, Bills soundtracks Phillip Schofield spinning a wheel to decide if you’ll get your gas and electric paid for.