Glasgow dad wins university place after tragic loss of baby son

Allan McAulay’s life spiralled out of control after tiny Leo was stillborn at seven and a half months, sending him on a desperate journey where substance abuse became his crutch.

After spending just two days with their precious baby, Allan and his partner Laura Nicol had to arrange their son’s funeral and try to find a way of coping with their devastating loss.

While Allan put on a brave front to friends and family, he now admits to being plunged into a maelstrom of hurt and raw emotion that soon saw him drinking heavily almost every day.

Soon one bottle became two, and soon two became three then four. As he began to lose control, the 36-year-old told how he took himself into woods near his home with thoughts of ending his life.

Allan McAulay (Image: Gordon Terris)

Allan exclusively told the Glasgow Times: “The trauma of losing Leo was so overwhelming that I just tried to bury my feelings.

“We spent two days with him at hospital and instead of taking home our beautiful wee boy we had to plan his funeral.

“I was trying to be strong for Laura and everyone else but inside I was screaming out for help. I’d lock myself away most evenings and drink myself into a completely incoherent state. I felt so angry and cheated out of the life we had planned, but I didn’t know how to open up, so I’d blank out my feelings with alcohol and drugs.

“Soon one bottle of Buckfast wasn’t enough and I’d be drinking two or three just so I could feel numb. I was a mess, a problematic drinker. One morning I woke up at my son’s grave at 5am with no idea how I had got there, and I knew deep down I had to get urgent help.

“I was a typical west of Scotland guy, someone who bottled everything up and didn’t speak. But I am speaking out now to try and change that.

“I was stuck in a vicious cycle. I was torn up with grief and just kept turning to a bottle of vodka or whatever I could find to help block out the pain.”

Allan McAulay (Image: Gordon Terris)

Allan, from Maryhill, went missing for three days. He had gone off to be alone, at his lowest ebb and gripped by suicidal thoughts. Thankfully the decision that could have brought his life to an end turned out to be his salvation.

Men Matter, a Drumchapel-based charity that offers counselling and crisis intervention, stepped in to help him turn his life around after Laura called on their help to try and track Allan down.

He explained: “I’d hit rock bottom and I just wanted to be with my son. I’d been missing for a couple of days and Laura reached out to ask if they could offer support to help find me, which they did. She knew I was struggling and after returning home, we both went down to their base.

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“At first, I didn’t want to go inside, I wasn’t ready to confront my feelings or give up on the drink and drugs. But ultimately, I knew I couldn’t keep going on like this and decided to give it a go. As soon as I started to speak openly, I just broke down in tears. For the first time I was able to be honest about what I was feeling and it was also the first step to getting the help and support I desperately required.”

Allan began a 12-week programme of trauma therapy and counselling. Gradually he started to feel stronger and now volunteers himself with Men Matter to help reach others who have been down the same dark path.

After building up his confidence, he was invited to give talks to local businesses about his experiences. He soon decided that he wanted to pursue a career in helping others and has now been accepted to study a degree in community development at the University of Glasgow.

After the heartache of losing Leo on February 8, 2022, the couple are now looking to forward to welcoming a baby girl into their lives next month, but Allan admits his son will always hold a special place in his heart.

He added: “I never thought someone from Maryhill who had encountered all sorts of struggles in life would end up going to university. I suppose I’m proof that anyone can turn their life around if they really want it.

Allan McAulay (Image: Gordon Terris)

“There’s been a lot of hard work to get to the position I am in now, but I hope it shows others that you should never give up. I’ll never forget Leo, but I want to look forward and enjoy what is ahead for us as a family too.”

Allan is sharing his story in a bid to encourage others to seek help after it was revealed that deaths from alcohol among Glaswegians have rocketed in the last 12 months.

There were 202 alcohol-specific deaths in 2022 – up from 188 the year before, marking a rise of 7.5%. Across Scotland, the rise was 2% with 1276 people dying with alcohol as a specific cause.

Gregor Ritchie, co-founder of Men Matter, told the Glasgow Times that they are seeing more and more people like Allan turning to them for help.

Gregor Ritchie (Image: Newsquest)

He added: “Every single week we have another five new faces coming through our doors. We field a number of calls from people in complete despair who are struggling with addiction, suicidal thoughts or experiencing trauma.

“There is a real lack of mental health support for men in particular who are struggling with substance abuse, be it drugs or alcohol.

“There needs to be a long-term sustainable plan to catch those individuals who are falling through the gaps. There needs to be better access to help and a reduction in the long waiting list for counselling and rehab. Something needs to drastically change to turn these numbers around.”

For support or advice visit Men Matter at www.menmatterscotland.org or call the Samaritans on 116 123.