WHY are there no Scottish players in the Premier League? 

It’s a question that’s been puzzled over in pubs, on the internet and round Kieran Tierney’s bit when his pal Andy Robertson came over to watch April’s Arsenal v Liverpool match. 

Maybe one day Scottish football will reach a stage where we can say ‘Six of the players who started in our 2-0 win over Denmark are playing in the Premier League’. Maybe one day.

Earlier this week, Mike Parry brought his The Most Talksport Man To Ever Live energy to Channel 5’s Jeremy Vine show. Discussing Scotland’s victory at Hampden, he said: ““And with the greatest of respect, Scotland haven’t got any good footballers anymore…

“What I mean is, in my youth, Kenny Dalglish, Graeme Souness, Denis Law, Ally McCoist, they were all these great Scottish players who came down to England and lit up football in this country, but now we don’t have any Scottish players in the Premier League because they’re not good enough to play in the Premier League.

“But Steve Clarke has made them good enough to produce a great international team. Good luck to him”. 

Oh thanks Mike.

Scottish co-host Storm Huntley repeatedly interjected, but the man who resembles Ray Winstone portraying Sepp Blatter while being spritzed with Eau de Rustler’s Burger just kept going. Presumably a producer promised him a spoonful of cinnamon for every inaccurate statement.

In fairness, his criticism of the Scottish national team was a breath of fresh air in comparison to some of his other recent comments. 

Consider this, from a discussion about Insulate Britain protesters a few weeks back: “The problem in this country - in all areas - is that minorities always get the upper hand ‘cause we’re so tolerant, and minorities have to be SQUASHED (*slams desk*) like that...so the rest of society can operate normally”. 

Apparently this was taken out of context…

...with people cruelly and cynically assuming that when he said “in all areas”, he meant ‘in all areas’. Shame on all of you who thought the words he said meant what those words mean.

It’s time to give Parry the benefit of the doubt. Maybe we can learn something from him, and not just ‘Never let a man who films himself choking on a spoonful of cinnamon tell you what the problem in this country is’. 

In that spirit, here is the Mike Parry Guide To Scottish International Footballers Who Definitely Aren’t Playing In The Premier League. 

Liam Cooper: Plays for Leeds. Leeds is in the North. Where else is in the North? Scotland. I rest my case.

Kieran Tierney: Type ‘Tierney’ into Wikipedia. That’s right, the Scotland defender is an American film, stage and television actress who’s appeared in the likes of ER, The Affair and Liar Liar. All well and good, but I don’t see her replacing Ashley Cole in Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal team any time soon. 

Andy Robertson: Did you know that just eight years ago he was playing for Queen's Park? It's a far cry from his current status as Dundee United's first-choice left-back. I’ll read the rest of his Wikipedia page after I’ve cleaned up the bowl of Curiously Cinnamon I just dropped on my keyboard. 

Billy Gilmour: Well, technically he’s not playing in the Premier League.

John McGinn: It says here his manager is Steven Gerrard. Call me ignorant all you want, but even I know which Scottish team Steven Gerrard manages. 

Che Adams: Born in England, so my point still stands. 

NEXT WEEK: Why are there no Australian managers employed in Scottish football?